One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
