i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
