i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
we should paint friendship bongs
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
