i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
