New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
