I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
