i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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