I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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