He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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