I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
