A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
