I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
