Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
