Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
