If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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