Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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