I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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