sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
