I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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