you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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