she woke up with a sticky ear
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
