Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
