The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I need to align my fucking chakras
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
