dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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