Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
