maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
