My Higher Power is John Stamos
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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