there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
