I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
