So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
