I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Girls should come with a carfax report
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
