I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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