she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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