Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
