I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
