i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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