4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
