She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
