rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
