3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
