so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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