i used baking grease as lip gloss
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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