A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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