three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
