Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
