break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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