I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
