At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
