I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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