from now on my penis is your penis
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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