These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
