May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
