Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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