i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize