I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Cover your peen. We're going out.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
