oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize