just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
