You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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