my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
